Hey there, welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for joining me. You know what it’s like when it’s two o’clock in the afternoon, and you realize that all you’ve eaten today is the leftovers from your toddler’s breakfast, and you’re starving. You need to eat some lunch, so you open up the refrigerator door and stare inside for what feels like five minutes because you just can’t decide what you want to eat.
When you spend the whole day making decisions for other people and taking care of other people’s needs, sometimes you just get stumped figuring out what would taste good at the moment. We can get so removed from what our desires are and what we want that it feels like we’ve kind of lost sight of ourselves.
So, in this episode, we’re going to explore this question: What do you really want? I’ll share an exercise to help you get back in touch with your real desires—what’s truly in your heart—and keep that top of mind, even as you’re going through your busy day, taking care of your family and doing all the things that life requires. I think you’re going to really enjoy this exercise, so let’s get started.
In the first three years, children grow and learn faster than at any other time in their lives. It’s an amazing transformation—and guess what? Parents grow too. I’m Ann McKittrick, the mom of three kids who’s helped hundreds of parents in my 30-plus years in early childhood education. The key to success is understanding not only your child’s development but your own growth as a parent, too—finding strategies so you can all flourish together. Welcome to Parenting in the First Three Years.
So, let’s pretend you and I are sitting at a coffee shop, having a cup of coffee together, and I ask you that question: What do you really want? What would be the first thing that comes to your mind? Would it be something like, “I just don’t want to have to do all these tasks, all these ‘have tos’?” Or would it be in the category of relationships—a longing for more friendships, something different with a partner, or maybe getting a new partner? Is it a desire for contentment, peace, or less divisiveness in your world? Maybe you want more money. Maybe you just want to go to the beach. Maybe you want a massage. What comes to mind?
You know, sometimes when I ask this question of parents or just anyone in general, nothing comes to mind. And that’s how I was for years. We had three kids in four years, and for so long, I didn’t even have time to think about what I really wanted. My go-to response was, for a long time, “What do you want?” And the answer would be, “I don’t know. I don’t care. I really don’t care,” because I got so in the habit of putting the needs of my children and my husband before my own—just going along with what they wanted because it was simpler. It became a habit.
Over time, I realized I do have preferences. I do have things that I want. There are things that I need. And in all those years of putting myself last, I was actually doing a disservice to my family. I was unknowingly communicating to my kids that my needs weren’t important, that what I wanted was second place to what they wanted. And I’m not sure this was the best message to send. Our children need strong, capable women as their mothers and strong, capable men as their fathers, so they can grow up to be strong, capable people themselves. This means being self-aware and understanding what we want—what our desires are.
Another reason it’s important to keep what you want top of mind is that when you ignore your own needs, it affects your mental health. Just this past August—I’m recording this in November 2024—the United States Surgeon General issued a health advisory for parents, saying parents in this country are at risk of mental health issues due to stress and anxiety related to parenting. I think that not paying attention to your own needs contributes to this stress.
Let’s dig into this: Why is it so easy for us to ignore ourselves? Beyond the obvious reason that we have children to care for, what is the real reason we bury our desires? Sometimes when we ignore what we really want, it can be traced back to our own childhood.
You know how your baby or toddler has absolutely no qualms about letting you know what they want? From the moment they’re born, they’ll communicate their needs, and they’ll communicate relentlessly until they get what they want. They’ll spit out food if they don’t like it, refuse to do things they don’t want to do, and hold their little arms out for you to pick them up. They let you know what they want, crying loudly and without inhibition until they get it. You were like that as a little one, too.
As parents, we find this very endearing at first, but after a while, it becomes less charming. We begin to communicate that what our children want is sometimes “not okay for now.” And there’s messaging in early childhood that often tells us what we want is secondary. We hear things like, “You need to eat it anyway, even if you don’t like it” or “Stay away from there. Don’t touch that.” We’re taught that we can’t always have what we want, which is part of life, of course, but sometimes this messaging becomes too much.
There was a study done in Iowa that found the average two-year-old hears 432 negative words or put-downs or “no” statements per day versus only 32 positive or affirming statements—a ratio of roughly 14 to 1. Have you ever heard it said that the inner voice you have as an adult is the culmination of all the important people in your life during childhood? I still remember my fourth-grade teacher saying things to me that affected me for years because of her harsh words.
This cumulative effect of being told what we should or shouldn’t do makes us people-pleasers or more inclined to put others first. I remember so badly wanting to please Mrs. Adams, my fourth-grade teacher. As we grow up, this people-pleasing tendency can numb us to our desires. Ask many teenagers what they want to do after high school, and often, they just don’t know. They’ve had so many “shoulds” and “ought-tos” drilled into them that they’re unsure of their own wants.
When we become adults, have careers, raise children, pay bills, and do all the things life requires, it’s easy to lose sight of our desires. But you know what? Not being clear about what you want and constantly putting others’ needs above your own is just a habit—a habit that can be broken.
One of the ways to do this is to ask yourself the question: What do I really want? I did an exercise a few years ago called the “20 Things List.” You write down 20 things you love to do, 20 things you want to have, 20 ways you want to be, and 20 things you love. When I made my list, I put down some big dreams. I wanted to go to Italy and stay a while. Just last year, I made that happen! Writing it down made it more real.
So, I invite you to make your own 20 Things List. Go to nurturednoggins.com/free, scroll down to the bottom of the page, and you’ll find a download called “Power Your Parenting and Reclaim Your Life.” It’s a guide to help you reconnect with what you really want so you can find contentment and satisfaction while going through this busy phase of life.
One of the easiest ways to break the habit of ignoring your needs is to sit down and think about what you truly want. It might take some time, but I encourage you to make your list, write it down, read it every day, and keep it somewhere you’ll see it often. This repetition helps solidify your desires and makes it easier to voice them to those around you, allowing you to start making these things happen for yourself.
I believe that most of us, deep down, really want connection, joy, and a sense of belonging. This is exactly what’s needed to counter the loneliness and isolation that so many people feel. We want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to have our needs met, just like the little child at your feet, communicating so clearly and persistently what they want. Let’s do the same for ourselves. Let’s figure out what we really want and take steps to make it happen.
So, you can download the list at nurturednoggins.com/free. Scroll down to find “20 Ways to Power Your Parenting and Reclaim Yourself.” I hope this episode has helped you start thinking about what you really want, and I encourage you to do this exercise. Thank you so much for joining me, and I’ll see you next time.