You know, I think most parents, and I certainly remember experiencing this myself, have had a time when we’ve been out in a public place with our baby or toddler, and all of a sudden, our kid just starts crying really, really loudly. Immediately, our concern is about how much noise they’re making and how much it must be bothering and disturbing all of the people around us.
We feel this pressure to relieve their discomfort. Sometimes, we might even become more concerned about that than about why our child is crying.
In today’s episode, Audrey Rowland, founder of Greenspace Learning and president of the Texas Association for the Education of Young Children, will share with us the message she gave on stage at South by Southwest in Austin last year, entitled “Confronting Our Bias Against Childhood.”
Parents, this episode will free you from the pressure to insist that your child be and do things they simply are not capable of, just to please or satisfy the grownups around them. You’re going to love the insights she shares and find them really thought-provoking. So, let’s get started.
In the first three years, children grow and learn faster than at any other time in their lives. It’s an amazing transformation. And guess what? Parents do too. I’m Ann McKittrick, the mom of three kids who’s helped hundreds of parents in my 30-plus years in early childhood education. The key to success is understanding not only your child’s development but your own growth as a parent too, and finding strategies so you can all flourish together. Welcome to Parenting in the First Three Years.
Hey, Audrey, thank you so much for joining me today. I’m really looking forward to this conversation about the ways that we talk about children in our everyday lingo. So let’s talk about that. Tell me your thoughts.
Well, it’s interesting, our relationship with childhood, right? We all love children, we’re glad to have them, and we build our lives around them. But at the same time, we have a general kind of vernacular around childhood that’s pretty negative. For example, “terrible twos,” “spoiled,” “rotten,” or “ruined,” and “they just want attention.” There are these broadly held ideas about our expectations of how children should behave that really don’t match up with how children actually are or even how we’d want them to be as adults.
We think about wanting children to mind, but we also want them to grow into powerful, autonomous individuals in their adulthood. We expect them to do what everyone else is doing in the classroom but want them to be independent, free-thinking, and creative adults. There’s this push and pull around childhood that becomes clearer the more you look at it.
When I became a parent myself, I noticed it even more. It’s one of those things where, once you start watching for it, you see it everywhere. For example, from the very first time you try to take your infant on an airplane, it becomes clear where the discomfort is. You suddenly fear that your child might disturb other adults, who are perfectly capable of managing and regulating their own environment with earbuds or noise-canceling headphones.
I was fascinated the first time I traveled with my infant. Here’s a baby crying, and this is one of the only situations where we feel sorry for everyone else rather than the person crying. It’s such a strange experience.
It took me a while to shift my thinking. I realized that my child was uncomfortable, and I was managing my own discomfort while still worrying about the adults around me. When you take that and amplify it across almost every situation in early childhood, it becomes clear that we are confused about what childhood should look like, how it should impact us as adults, and how we should treat it.
Right. You know, I had a really negative experience the first time I flew with one of my children. My first daughter was around 18 to 20 months old. She was scared, her ears hurt, and she was inconsolably crying for quite a long time. A lady sitting next to me actually said, “Why don’t you just spank her?” It was such a horrific flight. By the time we got to our destination, I was so shaken. And it was a long flight, around three hours. My daughter eventually settled and fell asleep, but it was so tough.
I completely understand what you’re saying. We should communicate with our faces to the people with children on the plane, saying, “You’re all right. You paid for a ticket for your child, too.”
Exactly. Children are a part of our society, and they have every right to be here. They’re not just a part of our society; they’re part of our species. They represent our survival. Yet, we often try to relegate them to a different place. As adults, we keep apologizing. I remember another example: I was dropping off my daughter at school when she was two or three years old, and a parent accidentally knocked her back with the door. She was fine, but I found myself wanting to apologize to the other parent as if to say, “You’re fine. Don’t worry about her.” We instinctively protect adult feelings at the expense of children’s needs, and that’s something we need to reconsider.
As I started noticing this pattern and talking to other teachers and parents, I realized that there’s a pervasive belief system around children that affects how we perceive and interact with them. For example, there’s the old saying that “children should be seen and not heard,” and although it’s outdated, it’s deeply rooted in how we still think today.
Our expectations don’t always align with the realities of childhood, and that creates unnecessary pressure. Instead of pushing children to meet adult standards prematurely, we should be honoring where they are now. Childhood is an essential stage of life, not just a preparation for adulthood. We have to consciously make an effort to understand and appreciate it.
You mentioned that we’re often more concerned about preparing our children for the next stage of life rather than embracing where they are right now. Can you expand on that?
Absolutely. We treat childhood as a training ground for life or as a crash course in being an adult. Because we’re so focused on preparation and readiness, we get sucked into this idea that there’s something wrong with the stage we’re currently in. We’re constantly thinking about what comes next, and that message comes through to children. They start to feel that who they are right now isn’t as good as who we want them to be.
For example, we prop up babies who can’t sit up yet, or we put them in exersaucers so that they can stand. We show them the joys of the next stage without letting them just be who they are. There’s an entire industry built around making children more “adult-like,” from the clothes we dress them in to the equipment that makes them more mobile.
Of course, some of these things are helpful, and we all need to live our lives, but we have to stop every now and then to let childhood have its moment. It takes a conscious effort, even for early childhood professionals, to check in with the ingrained bias that childhood is inconvenient and needs to be managed or rushed through. We need to honor childhood as a stage of life, not just a phase to get through.
Right. I had a similar experience when I was a new mom. I felt pressured to do everything “right” and always be preparing my child for the next thing. But when we slow down and just enjoy where they are, it becomes so much more rewarding.
Exactly. That’s why we, as early childhood teachers, need to be careful not to internalize the idea that our job is to make children more tolerable or convenient for their parents. That’s not what childhood is about. It’s about letting children be who they are at each stage and supporting them through it.
For instance, I remember reading a study where 1,000 teachers and 1,000 parents were asked who they thought was responsible for the self-esteem and growth of the child. Around 72% of parents said it was the teacher’s responsibility, while 78% of teachers said it was the parents’. This illustrates the need for both parties to work together. Raising a child isn’t just one person’s job; it’s a collective effort that involves everyone who interacts with them.
Absolutely. It takes a village, right? We’re all responsible for helping children grow in appropriate ways and ensuring that their needs are met. It’s not just about one person or role.
Precisely. Children are traveling through developmental stages, and each stage is immediately followed by another that’s just as challenging, especially in those first 10 to 24 years. As they’re learning who they are, it’s often awkward and difficult for adults to watch. We want to streamline things for them, protect them from frustrations, and smooth out the rough edges, but that’s not always helpful for their growth. In fact, it often means they miss out on learning the very things they need.
When we look at developmentally normal behaviors, we know, for example, that it’s completely typical for children to say “no,” to be contrary, and to argue, starting as early as 10 months. This behavior is part of building autonomy. The brain prioritizes autonomy so much that a child will actively test the limits of trust with their caregiver. This process is essential for them to understand where they end and others begin. It’s remarkable when you think about it from a developmental or evolutionary perspective.
What you’re saying makes so much sense, especially about allowing children the time to develop autonomy. But as parents, it’s tough when our buttons are pushed by our child’s behavior. What mindset shifts can we make to navigate that better?
One helpful shift is to recognize when you’re worried about how your child is perceived by others. Ask yourself: “Am I more concerned about my child’s behavior, or am I worried about how others see my child or me as a parent?” There’s no shame in admitting that sometimes we’re concerned about our own image. But once we’re aware of that, we can separate what’s a grown-up issue from what’s a child’s issue. Most of the time, these are grown-up issues, which means grown-ups should own them, not pass them onto the child.
For example, when parents say they want their child to be “ready for kindergarten,” I can help teach the child to write their name, but I have to ask, “At what risk?” Will focusing on this skill potentially diminish the child’s sense of self or teach them that adult expectations are more important than their own voice? As parents, we have a responsibility to consider what’s truly best for our child, which is often different from what society expects.
It’s so true that we don’t always know what kind of world we’re preparing our children for, but we can equip them with a sense of trust in themselves. And if we do that, they’ll be ready for whatever comes their way.
Yes, exactly. Children need to be allowed to be selfish and self-centered during those early years because that’s when they’re figuring out who they are. From ages three to six, they begin to develop their social skills, and this process is messy. But if we let them practice navigating conflict and relationships, they’ll become more confident in themselves and more capable of forming genuine connections with others. It’s about giving them the space to learn without constantly trying to control or fix their experiences.
That’s such a valuable insight. Children are so naturally good at resolving their conflicts without making it personal. We could learn so much from watching them.
Absolutely. They’re so direct, efficient, and forgiving in their conflicts. We often feel the need to coach them through every disagreement, but they’re actually pretty capable of handling it. Instead of seeing ourselves as controllers of childhood, we should view ourselves as guardians. We’re there to protect the space they need to develop, rather than constantly guiding or speeding up the process.
That’s a beautiful perspective. It reminds me of baking bread—you can’t rush the process of rising, no matter how much you want to. You just have to wait and let it happen.
Yes, exactly! It’s like pregnancy too. We’ve accepted that it takes nine months, but even then, we often want to cut corners. The reality is that development needs to happen at its own pace. During pregnancy, we take care of ourselves, but we can’t consciously create a spinal column or a nervous system. It’s the same with childhood. We’re there to observe and support, not control or create.
I love that analogy. Even with my adult children, I still find myself observing and celebrating who they’re becoming. It’s a lifelong journey.
It really is, and that’s the joy of it. The relationship between a parent and a child evolves, but the principle remains the same—trusting the process. As we wrap up this conversation, what’s one last word of encouragement you’d like to leave parents with?
I would say to trust—trust yourself, trust your child, and trust the process of development. Give yourself credit for what you’re doing, and give your child credit for who they are right now. Remember, where they are is enough. They’ll grow and develop in their own time, and your role is to guide them with love and trust. Show them every day that you believe in their capabilities, and that they can trust themselves too. That’s the greatest gift you can give them.
Thank you so much for this conversation, Audrey. It’s been so encouraging and insightful, and I know it will be incredibly valuable for everyone listening.
Thank you for having me, Ann. It’s been a pleasure.